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I don’t know about you but I’m always looking for the road map. I wanna find the researcher, story teller, Buddhist, Stoic, lover of all people, fighter of the Resistance. I wanna find the blueprint of the person who is ahead of me, believing what I believe in and doing it really well.
But there is not really a blueprint most of the time. It doesn’t matter who you are – spiritual leader, guru, academic – we are all trying to figure it out. You don’t get to copy anybody. So it’s hard.
But here’s the thing that makes it easier.
You belong to you. So even when you feel alone and wonder, ‘who’s my crew’, ‘who’s my people’ you know that you belong to you for sure.
We lose ourselves sometimes when we try to belong in groups we don’t fit in. We’ve all been in some kind of group. Whether it be a sporting team, school group, choir or dance ensemble, and we want to fit in. You wanted to feel liked and that you mattered. Like you are one of the cool kids, however you defined cool. Then someone would do something that you did not really agree with, maybe bully another kid or make fun of a person. You wanted to say something but you probably didn’t stand up against them. You wanted to belong, so if you did stand up against them then that meant you were alone. And that was your biggest fear.
That’s what teams and groups deliver. They make you feel not alone. The problem is, and Dr Brené Brown’s research has proven this, that the opposite of belonging is fitting in.
Fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking, ‘Who do I need to be?’ ‘What you need to say?’ ‘What do I need to wear?’ ‘How do I need to act?’ Then changing who you are.
True belonging never asks us to change who we are. It demands that we be who we are.
If we fit in because of how we have changed ourselves, that is not belonging. It’s not belonging because you have betrayed yourself for other people and that’s not sustainable. You start to lose yourself. But make sure you also don’t lose yourself in the rebuttal to the fitting in. Don’t be what you’re not to disprove to someone that you are not who they think you are
It’s hard. You have to show up as who you are.
How Do You Find Out Who You are?
That’s your life’s work. That’s f*cking hard.
If you put in the work, you will get ever and ever closer to knowing that. But you would not be able to put the answer down on an A4 piece of paper. You are more complex than that.
Some tools that may help along the way:
– reading books
– conversations with smart persons
– journaling
– meditation and mindfulness to help block out the noise
Good luck!
Scott
PS. If you want to learn more about this concept, pick up a copy of Dr Brown’s new book. She is an excellent engaging author.
